i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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