I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
