How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
