Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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