Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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