The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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