My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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