Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
