you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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