So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
