My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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