so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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