cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
