2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I never noticed this but I have a beauty mark on my labia minora
Please tell me how you discovered this.
I was looking in the mirror snooping around
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
They took my balls.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
