I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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