I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
