shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
