i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
