My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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