she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
