I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
