I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
