here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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