Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
