oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize