There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
