The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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