I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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