I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
