Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
