final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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