I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
