Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
