I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize