I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
