I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
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