When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
