I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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