Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
