Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
