if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
