Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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