sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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