my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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