I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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