I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
