just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
