I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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