My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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