If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
