I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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