What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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