he shaved USA in his pubs
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
