i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
