Pappa wants mamma naked
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
