i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize