After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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