you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
