we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
