Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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