One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
