8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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